“That
word doesn’t mean what you think it means.”
This
has become a favorite catchphrase for our kids. (Grandkids, too, for that
matter.) Take the word, “soon”, for instance. As in the phrase, “More soon.” Those
were the final words in my last entry in my Sandia DreamSmith blog, titled “Pilgrimage.”
That entry was posted on Sunday, April 7, 2013. It’s now Tuesday, July 17,
which doesn’t seem too bad, until you consider that it is also 2018. In
all honesty, I don’t believe this qualifies as “soon.” Okay, maybe it would qualify
if we consider it from a Stephen Hawking, “Brief History of Time” perspective, but
I’m not going to do that. Here’s the simple truth of it: For a short time, I
was compelled to write, and then I wasn’t.
Looking back, I actually had some pretty good things to say. I’ve re-read my works several times over the past few months, and had people I respect read them as well. If anything, I’m rather surprised by the depth of what I was coming to understand at that time, especially given where I was in that chapter of my life. There are aspects of what I said then that I see differently now, but that makes sense. I am a different person now than I was then.
I
don’t want you to think that I haven’t thought about writing. On the contrary.
I’ve contemplated it a lot, although not consistently. I’ve even tried writing
the next blog entry several times, only to discard it as the rubbish it was. (I
say “discard”, but that’s not completely true. I tend to keep every word I
write. Those lame attempts live on electronically in my personal journal. There’s
a few nuggets that have value, and I may go digging for them someday. Just not
today.)
So,
what’s changed? In a nutshell, it goes like this: For a short time, I was
compelled to write, and then I wasn’t. Now, I’m compelled again.
Our
lives are very different today than they were when Sandia DreamSmith was born. We’re
not rolling in money, but we’re not living in constant fear of eviction, either.
We now live in Santa Fe, roughly 54 miles and a half a universe away from our
temporary home in Rio Rancho. We are much more comfortable in our own skins
than we were. It’s been a long walk, but all in all, a pretty damn good one.
The
walk. As I look back, the walk was one of those underlying themes that I was
trying to understand back in the spring of 2013. As I look forward, I suspect
that in my future writings, the walk will be THE theme. Metaphorically and
spiritually, yes, but also in a very practical, “wear-out-the-hiking-boots” sense
of actually stepping out the front door and going somewhere. Please note: This
is a warning. If the walk doesn’t interest you, you probably won’t care about
the entries to come, because The Walk has become something of an obsession with
me. Enough so that I am compelled to capitalize it. Somehow, it’s become what I
am.
So
what does this mean? In all honesty, I don’t know! Isn’t that great? I just
told you that The Walk is likely to be the primary theme of my writings moving
forward, that it’s become what I am, and yet I can’t tell you what it means. Great.
Just dandy. Your guide on this journey has, over the course of the past 5
years, become either an idiot or a fool.
Not
so. If anything, this is the natural evolution of what I promised you in my very
first entry: “This journey will be one
of rabbit trails and unexpected side trips, backtracking from dead ends,
pushing through heavy underbrush to discover glorious and unexpected vistas. It
is not intended to be safe.” Looking back, I realize that I actually knew what
I was writing about on that day. There are plenty of really brilliant people
writing very good things about the safe, planned route through life. That’s not
me. I’m going on an adventure.
I
titled this entry, “Evolution, Rebirth, and Rebranding.” Evolution: I’m not the
man who wrote those blog entries, although I remember him. My creator has used Santa
Fe to re-sculpt me in subtle and yet profound ways. Rebirth: For a short time,
I was compelled to write, and then I wasn’t. Now, I’m compelled again. ‘Nuff
said. Rebranding? Why is this word even here? What am I? A product? A
corporation? A person? ???
The
answer is No, and Yes, and Sometimes, and Sometimes Not. When I titled this
blog, I knew the title had to have deep meaning for me. Words have power, and
names are some of the most powerful words. DreamSmith had been with me for
several years at that time, so that was natural. At that point in our lives, one of the few
comforts I had was the view of the Sandia Mountains from our back window. I was
home, even if it wasn’t welcoming me in the way I expected. Place mattered, deeply. I chose “Sandia” as way
of anchoring myself, and my writing, to the familiarity of the mountain, to
home.
If
anything, place matters even more to me now than it did then. I have come to
love Santa Fe in a way I never expected, in a way that wants to make it my
forever home. I want to grow old here with my wife, to put down roots a mile
deep. And yet… I am coming to know with unsettling clarity that this place may,
in fact, just be another chapter in the story of my life. Something I’ve
noticed in every book I’ve ever read: Chapters are finite, and they come to a
close.
Strangely
enough, I’m okay with that.
If
you know me at all, this will probably shock you. When we lived in Oklahoma, all
I could think of was returning to New Mexico. I wanted it so bad that I felt
literally sick inside. It had gotten into my blood, to the point that my blood
probably wasn’t red anymore, but a lovely shade of Rio Grande brown. (If you’ve
ever seen the Rio Grande, you know exactly what color I’m talking about.) I
felt like I was slowly dying inside because I’d been uprooted from my source.
Here’s
what I was too young and inexperienced to understand at the time. I was right.
It was inside me, in my blood. I carried that crucial place with me. Yes, Place
mattered. The thing is, I didn’t have to be IN that place to be nurtured by it.
New Mexico was an integral part of who I was, whether I lived there or not. If
the time comes for me to leave again, it’s okay. Santa Fe has been fused to my
DNA. I’ll always be here, even when I’m not.
So,
what does this have to do with the concept of rebranding? As I said, I chose “Sandia”
as part of this blog’s brand because I wanted it to anchor me. It seemed like a
really good idea at the time. I needed that anchor, or, at least, I thought I
did. As I’ve been compelled to write again, I’ve realized that there is a fatal
flaw in this thought process. This blog is all about exploration. It’s a
journey. As it moves forward, it will be about The Walk, and therein lies the
problem with it’s current name. “Sandia” was the anchor, but a ship that is
anchored can’t move forward on it’s journey. Much as I loved it, Sandia no
longer serves me, or the purpose of this blog. I have to let it go.
Sometime
over the next few days (weeks? months?) this blog will be retitled. DreamSmith
will still be in the title, unless it’s not. As for Sandia, it will probably be
replaced with Wandering. Wandering DreamSmith. I like that.
From
a practical standpoint, this will probably mean changing the web address, which
may mean it becomes harder for old friends to find it for a while. Somehow, I
don’t think this will really be an issue. Those who are meant to be touched by
these words will find them.
Till
next time… *
(*
Far less restrictive than “More soon,” don’t you think?)
Buen
Camino, my friends.
